~Sadness is back~

SunDay~ As usual, go to church, family day. I'm really bad, I went to mass but I didn't concentrate to the wording. BAD...too bad... besides, I don't know chinese well. Hee... hmm...after church we went to merdeka supermarket before going home. From church to home, we must pass by Hospital Queen Elizabeth. Arghh...damn it,, I hate to see there, and if can I don't even want to pass by there. QE, a very sadness place for me. At there, I felt the most heart break and break down ever before. Arghh.... my grandpa passaway at here QE. What the... but I know GOD love him more than us. It is early in the morning, at 6am something, I got a call from hospital. The whole night, I can't slept, because I felt something gonna happen and besides I'm worried about my grandpa. That night, 22nd of Oct 2009, grandpa rushed to hospital for emergency. And all that night, my aunty and my mummy stayed back and look after my grandpa. At that time, grandpa was paralyze. After I got the call from my mum, my mum said, come to hospital right now because your grandpa was critical, actually grandpa passaway when mum call me. I thought that grandpa will be fine, but then, when I rushed to QE with my brother, it was too late, too late to talk to him, too late to see him for the last, too late for evrything. I rushed there and I saw evrybody was crying and my mum and dad break down, then I near to grandpa then I saw grandpa......is too late, I then kept calling him, but there's no respond, I kept wake him but... Thats the first time I felt how was the feeling when lost our beloved. Grandpa he loves us, until now I can't forget his last words to me. I can't forget the situation when i rushed to QE and saw him... even for few months he left us, but his loves still with us, his blood still flowing in my body. I know that he been watching me all along my way. He care us a lot. He guide us alot. Remember that, he touch me drove, he is the one who always support me to sport. Grandpa loves sport, and he cares his health very much. He always jog and will bring all of us to jog. Know what? When he is around, every morning he will be prepare breakfast for us, prepare all the vitamins for us. He cooked oatmeal, and do my fav milo. Now, all this I have to do by my own. I really miss him a lot. I dreamt if grandpam but I forgot bout it. I miss him, and until now I can't forget the moment he left us. ~Love you lolo~

My true FEELING-maybe la....

Since form one, 2nd of September 2004. Hahaha, I still remember that I cut my hair to boy-cut. Ya I love short hair since that day. Why? I'm not sure, but its really Comfy and relax. since I cut this hair, then I became famous at school, some of them try to cut it also. Ya, the teacher did warning me also, but I don't care, the book rules didn't say that girls cannot have a short hair. DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE? Haha... then until now I'm still having this short hair. And my favorite style was the Rihanna style, and I did cut that style and went to NS, great and comfy, new hair style, new look, and look fresh for me. But... I know people look at me differently. If girls that having short hair they will think that she is er....they call it as pengkid? Why? Since i cut this hair style I'm ready to face this situation. Is ok, I don't mind. As long as I'm not! (really?) hahaha... My friends they did told me, the first day I came to college they thought me are 'that kind'. See....why human keep thinking negative? Well humanity... Sometimes I care what they said, but what to do? that's their thinking.I can't stop them. I just can keep quiet, hide aside and cry. April, why you should cry? Why you should care what they said. Don't ever let then spoil your life. Ya, I realize now. It doesn't care what they said, as long as I know MYSELF, my family know me, and my friends know me. Being talked like that for six years, WOW WHAT A LONG TIME!... I'm used to it already, but sometimes I'm weak and.....hmmm... After I said this word- THIS IS THE FIRST AND THIS IS THE LAST, a very touching word touched my heart and I...arghhhh.... it is really touch my heart! i want to thanks TUT... ( i don't want to mention)... this word comes like this, 'I DONT WANT THE OTHERS LOOK AT YOU DIFFERENTLY', and that moment I'm speechless and arghhh touch me... all i want to say is... sometimes i'm weak to accept but i'll try to change it. Even my appearance look different, looks like tomboy, but....err... i have nothing to say. it is up to them what they want to think of me. and i'm really really hurt when m very own friend that knew me for few years then think of me the same way as the others, that really hurt me a lot. why? am i alien to be seen like that? HUMANITY.... but who am i to judge? i just be myself, try to be perfect, ( ya i know, nobody was perfect) but at least i try right? Is good to try than not trying it. BE MYSELF.. but sometimes I need guideline, I need care, I need love, I need attention...hmmm.... I just can hide and cry!!!

My X-sam.....Practical

Friday-9th of April 2010. My first time exam on cooking in the college. Ya, it is nervous and excited. It was my first semester and also the others. Thanks to my group member; Alesas and Aeron. They help a lot, and we did had a great teamwork. Wed one it very well and also thanks to chef Jack. He touch us all the cooking, the skills(of course he must, we pay the college) heee..... On that day, we've been given three recipes: 1) mushroom soup 2)fried noodle and 3)omelet. Ya it seems like easy, but need to care the cleanliness while cooking and the texture. We've been given er...if not wrong is about two and a half hours. Maybe! We first collect all the ingredients then start chopping mincing and bla bla bla... We cook the fried noodles and the roux of mushroom soup while waiting the chicken stock. At last, then I cook the omelet. And for me, I give my self and my group 80%, we done it very well. We so proud. But we still don't know the marks. Its ok, as long as we did our best. One thing that makes us laugh was, when chef Jack try our soup, he said hahaha...seems like there's sperm inside. and im thinking....eeeewwwww.......!!! Anyway, I still don't know who is Chef was, but...hahaha TUT...... -culinary arts-

My NeedeD? Is it...?

You can care about me and just deem that I'm not around.
BUT, there's nothing can change my feeling to you.
I'm sure that, at a moment it will be occur.
You will LOVE me, and never ever want to let me go.
I want to accompany you, I wanted to Love your weakness.
Always ready to give joy / let you be the most blissful person in the world.
No matter what happen, I'll be there for you.
Eventhough you are far away from me, but I know that and I believe that you LOVE me.
Besides, you will never let me go.
I want you, I want you for the rest of my life, accompany you, to love you and to make you happy. I consent to hurt before to let our journey be blissful.
Remember that, I knew this was wrong, I knew cant get anything, it doesnt make sense, but really happen to us. Just remember that this weird feeling happening now, it really happen, just let it be, time will change us. But if can i really want to love u only, The ONLY ONE!!! I rather to do anything, I knew it cant happen, but What I want you to know that I really love you and cant let you go!!! We just love each other, that's enough for me!!! LOVE you!!!

GOd has his own reason when made 'US',
and that means every HUMAN that came to this universe have to obey to the Lord.
Lord never forget that to grant us very unique 'facilities'and it name 'TALENT'.
Then if our human can find our own 'Talent' that means can find the way of success.
And to get the 'ticket' to the way(heaven), that must through our beloved mum's praying. Because in the eye of Lord, mum is the one who is the greatest position ever. This will let us remember to the elder people and to obey them to get the 'ticket'. Amen.

At a time before, there is a baby was ready to be born to the earth,

Before he came to the earth, he asked the LORD:
"All the angels said, You are goin to send me to the earth by tomorrow, but then how am I gonna survive? And I'm too small and so weak?"

Then Lord answered:
"I'd choose an angel for you and will take care of you."

"But in the heaven I just sing and laugh, this is enough for me" said the baby.

Lord answered: "Your angel will sing for you and smile for you every day, and you will feel the 'love'.

Baby asked: "But what can I do when I want to talk to You?"

Once again the Lord said: "your angel will teach you the way of praying."

But the baby asked gain: "I heard that there is a lot of bad people, so who is going to protect me?"

Lord answered gain: "your angle will protect you."

The baby asked again: "But I will sad if I cant meet You and see You."

HE answered: "your angel will tell you about me and will teach you how to come back to ME."

At that moment the heaven were silent.....

The baby asked to the Lord: "Lord, if I had to go now, would You tell me my angel's name?"

Then Lord said: " You will call your angel as a 'MUM'."

Remember our Mum's love,

she always cry for us when we are leaving far away from her,

Do we remember that our mum willing not to sleep just for taking care of us when we are sick? Do we remember that 'she' cry when we are sick? When we are in trouble, and even when we are wrong?

We should take time and go back home and visit our beloved mum that are waiting for us even midnight. back home and ask for forgiveness from Her that always smiling at us.

Please take some time even we are busy to visit Her, it is a hard thing for Her that the kids are far away from Her.

Don't let ourself regret, do it right now. Don't waste our time. DO RESPECT OUR MOM!
After this post......what do we think??? One day, for the girl will become a mother also, so respect our mom, and our next generation will do so. Lord will guide us. Amen.

What happen to me???

Argghhh,,,, what my aunty said was true, why am I so stupid? why i always think the others but don't think about myself? When I do something for them, did they appreciate it? NO! Exactly no. NEVER! But maybe some of it? We don't know? Sometimes I help the others but I really forgot about myself. Why? What did i get? Arghh.... STUPID!!! April, please wake up, humanity are very sellfish. Then what you get now APRIL? arghh... I get stress, i attract it comes. April remember 'LAW OF ATTRACTIONS', you forgot? Think yourself first then think the others. Yaya... I oalways like this, why? Don't know. But for now is enough for me, stop thinking the others, but think of myself first, help myself first. I'm very exhausted, really! Thanks to my beloved aunty! Love you so much. Ya, stop explaining to 'them'. They not VIP, they not my parents. I no need explain more to them, is enough for me. Ya true frens will listen to you. Don't know when I'll get it. sometimes being popular is very tired, but now ENOUGH! I realize that sometimes people should be sellfish so that life can go on easily. This is how the games play. I knew it now. From now on, I'll stop explaining, its depend on them want to believe or not, the main is my parents. Lord, please give me strength and dwell in me lord. Guide me Lord, I need you by myside, nowadays my parents are far from me, guide me and show me the way. Amen.
Lastly gain, April, be strong and don't be Stupid anymore. Don't attract 'IT' come.

I'm back again! Ermmm......hmmmmm!!! Today, 12 of March 2010, erm I feel so weird, so uncomfortable, feel sad, feel upset and also happy! Aik? Happy? actually not really. Just pretend HAPPY! Erm today Friday, no meat, and today was our herbs and spices midterm test. Feel nothng and I did my best. Ill prove it to my family that I can do. Then what I really feel today was afraid and mad. I'm afraid that somebody will mad at me because I can't go to pulau. Then, because of me the trip to pulau was cancel. Arghhh....what a stressfull feeling. But what can I do? My parents don't let me go, then I should listen to them. But then, I don't know why, why i can't go then the trip was cancel. Someone will angry. Im so sorry to say this but I really can't go. Hopefully they understand me. Then today I feel the sadness and madness around me. Wow! What the...... erm why ah? If I close to one person must have problem ah? I don't know why? Then, a person that I everyday close to was tryng to avoid from me, I think?? Don't know and not sure??? Blurrr...but I can feel somthing was going wrong around me. something was changing, something was annoying. Arghhh..... Somebody help me.... I care the others but why this happen????? why???